


Who I Used to Be

by ArianneMaya



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Barebacking, Dubious Consent, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-20
Updated: 2012-02-20
Packaged: 2017-10-31 12:02:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/343826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArianneMaya/pseuds/ArianneMaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Just as he thought, what happened earlier broke something, and if he tries to put the pieces back together, he’ll only rip his hands open on the shards.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who I Used to Be

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ragingrainbow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ragingrainbow/gifts).



> This was written for So Hot Out The Bed 2012, the berty porny valentine exchange, as a gift for ragingrainbow. Since all I had to work with was a few pairings and no prompts, muse decided it would be an awesome idea to drop Adam into one of my original ‘verses and pair him with one of my OMC, so it’s really, really AU.
> 
> Many, many thanks to Leela for the amazing beta, and to Minxie for the prereading and encouragement.  
> Title is from the Evanescence’s song Weight of the World.

_Back the fuck off. He’s mine._  
  
The words weigh heavily on Adam’s mind. Not the first time he’s had to say them, probably not the last either. Julian’s not that small, but Adam still beats him by a good three inches. Julian could protect himself if he just forgot the rules, but even after eight years in the Center, he still hasn’t understood that no one else will ever respect them.  
  
However, Adam had never said those words where Julian could hear them. Adam’s aware that’s nothing more than luck, but he’s hoping it lasts until Julian’s Initiation on the next black moon, only a week away. Adam shouldn’t have to worry about it. At twenty-five, he’s finally earned his own room and has a lot more freedom than the kids who don’t have their titles yet. He’s aware a few of those kids will die. He also knows he might be the one who’ll have to do the killing. The rules of the Center are now buried in his mind: kill, or be killed. If you’re not the stronger one, your only hope is to find someone who will protect you.  
  
Adam never needed it. He learned, and learned young, what he had to do in order to survive. He used his height and shape and figured out how to use his fists. How to scare youngsters away, how to earn respect from the Killers of his year. How to make sure he’d never have to cross certain lines.  
  
If it wasn’t for Julian, Adam wouldn’t even care, but the last thing he wants is for the boy to die. It’s also a side of himself that he was hoping Julian would never see. It lasted eight years, it could have lasted longer, right? But today, they’ve reached the breaking point. There’s no going back.  
  
Adam knows it. He knew it the moment he turned around and saw the emotions flashing across Julian’s face, not enough that everybody else would notice, but enough that he, himself, did. Anger and betrayal.  
  
They haven’t spoken. They’re not going to. If Adam has to avoid Julian until Initiation next week, he will. He’s supposed to help Julian train, again, but he’s not sure that’s safe anymore.  
  
Adam’s aware that there are very few places here that aren’t under surveillance, but tonight, he needs to think. He ends up in one hallway that no one uses anymore and goes up the stairs until he find himself on a lower part of the roof, where there’s only a small railing that doesn’t even go up to his waist. He’s about to climb over it to lay himself down on the roof on the other side of it when a voice stops him.  
  
“You were looking for me?” Julian startles Adam enough that he nearly falls over and has to grab the railing to keep himself on the roof.  
  
Adam takes a few steps back. “No. I just needed to find somewhere where I could hear myself think.”  
  
“Guess we’re here for the same reason, then.” Julian says. His gaze goes back to the city; this is one of the only places where you can actually see it.  
  
Adam rests his back against another part of the roof, and for once, lets himself look. While he still thinks of Julian as that lost kid who was about to be eaten alive when he made it to the Center, he has to admit Julian really isn’t anymore. At eighteen, Julian isn’t finished growing up, but even then everyone could see that he would end up on the short side of the spectrum, especially for a Killer. Julian tried to make up for it by beefing up, but even hours of training left him slight and lean, with tight muscles that always cause everyone to underestimate him.  
  
Just as Adam’s thinking that he should go, Julian turns toward him, green eyes hidden by a fall of brown bangs. “I owe you, right?”  
  
“For today? No, you don’t. You just have to be more careful.”  
  
“Why do you even care?”  
  
The question takes Adam by surprise. Who can still be that honest after eight years in a Center? He doesn’t ask that, though.  
  
“No one says I do.”  
  
That gets him a small smile, Julian’s eyes still piercing through him like Julian can see Adam’s soul.  
  
“Right, you don’t. You wanna know why I don’t believe you?”  
  
Adam’s mouth feels oddly dry. He knows that what he’s about to hear is one of those things that change everything. His only answer is a small shrug.  
  
“Go ahead. Tell me.”  
  
“I think I’d been here… I don’t know, a month, maybe? Enough to know that I couldn’t handle it, enough to realize that compared to the others, I was just a scared little boy.” As he speaks, Julian walks toward Adam until he’s right in Adam’s space, millimeters away from him. “Someone told me about this place. I think I was trying to see my house, something like that. I was bending over the railing, and the next thing I know someone’s grabbing me and I’m hanging over it. I thought I was going to fall and die. I’d never been more scared in my life.”  
  
Adam’s breath catches in his throat. To this day he still can’t say why he did that. He still thinks maybe he shouldn’t have. That’s the exact moment when his life became so complicated.  
  
“Remember? You brought me back up and let me collapse to the floor, and you told me that anybody else would have just pushed me and let me die. That I shouldn’t trust anyone here.”  
  
Julian stops there, and it’s obvious he’s waiting for an answer, so Adam swallows hard and says, “Yes. I remember.”  
  
“But you didn’t kill me. You saved my life that day, and many times after that. Tell me again that you don’t care.”  
  
Adam doesn’t answer. He has a good idea of what Julian wants to hear, but he can’t give him that. Things are already messed up enough. Telling Julian that today was just for show? Would be the truth, and would also give him way too much power over Adam.  
  
Julian is standing so near that it’s hard to lie to him, but Adam can see Julian’s hiding nothing. Julian has never had a good poker face, not around Adam at least. Sometimes it looks like Julian’s not even trying to hide. It all seeps through, no matter what he says or does.  
  
What terrifies Adam is how easy it would be to tell the truth, to be honest for once. In moments like this, it feels like Julian still doesn’t understand the way things work here, like he doesn’t even get why trusting anyone, Adam included, is a bad idea.  
  
There is so much Adam shouldn’t even think about, and yet he hears himself say, “You reminded me of someone I knew outside, someone I couldn’t protect. That’s why I did it.”  
  
“And now?” Of course Julian couldn’t leave it alone. Does he even realize that all he’s doing is pushing them closer to the dead-end they’ll meet soon enough?  
  
Honesty at this point wouldn’t help either of them. There are things that should never be said out loud. And yet…  
  
“This place takes everything good in you, and it kills it. You see yourself dying, little by little, and you can’t prevent it no matter how much you want to.” Adam has to stop there. He can’t let himself say more, can’t explain. He doesn’t even understand why he trusts Julian with that kind of truth. They both let down their walls in these moments, even though they’re aware that they shouldn’t. But he can’t go farther than that.  
  
They’re protecting each other in a way, have been since Julian arrived at the Center. But Adam doubts Julian even realizes that.  
  
Julian takes a step back. His voice is barely over a whisper when he says, “There aren’t many who would describe it like that.”  
  
“There aren’t many who weren’t born here.”  
  
Julian turns around, slowly makes his way to the railing. Adam finds himself behind Julian’s back, something Julian already know you shouldn’t do here, but there’s no tension in his body, no fear.  
  
“Sometimes I wonder if it’s them or myself that I’m fighting…”  
  
Both would be Adam’s answer, but he’s not going to say it. They’re always fighting, against themselves mostly. It would be easier, sometimes, to just go with the flow and let the darkness absorb him, but that’s the last thing Adam wants. He was about to forget himself, who he was, and what mattered, when he met Julian. Maybe that’s why he’s always trying to protect the boy, even from himself.  
  
Silence falls between them, full of everything they don’t dare say. Julian finally breaks it, saying, “I still owe you. For everything.”  
  
His tone is so careful that, for once, Adam can’t guess what Julian thinks. “If I say you don’t…”  
  
“It doesn’t work that way. You know that better than I do.”  
  
Adam has no answer for that. Just as he thought, what happened earlier broke something, and if he tries to put the pieces back together, he’ll only rip his hands open on the shards.  
  
When Julian turns toward Adam again, his face reveals nothing, only a determination that makes Adam wonder what he heard, after today’s events. Moments later, Julian’s tight body is pressed against Adam’s, one of Julian’s hands against Adam’s cock.  
  
No matter how good it feels, Adam can’t let it happen, not like this. His hands find Julian’s shoulders and Adam pushes him away.  
  
Julian throws an incredulous look his way. “You don’t want it?”  
  
“You don’t.” As soon as he says it, Adam knows it’s the truth. He’s not sure who put Julian up to it, and he has a feeling it’s not just because of what happened today. But he can’t ask.  
  
“It’s not like it really matters here…”  
  
 _It matters to me._ Once more something that Adam can’t say out loud. For now, he just shakes his head and walks away. Maybe, if he manages to avoid Julian until his initiation, they can walk away from this without too many scars. Maybe.  
  
***  
  
Adam successfully avoids Julian until the last night before the black moon. Julian’s getting twitchy, as if he doesn’t know where he stands anymore, and Adam hopes that Julian getting his title tomorrow will put them back on equal footing. Even if they never really were.  
  
Adam is in the middle of his warm-up routine when the door opens and closes, banging against the wall. Adam doesn’t look over, doesn’t turn around. He knows who it is. He was hoping that hiding in one of the old training rooms, those off a corridor that isn’t in use anymore, would make him impossible to find for one more night. He was wrong. He finishes his routine, takes a deep, calming breath and, when he turns around, his face is a mask of indifference.  
  
Julian is standing at the entrance, looking at him. Adam doesn’t move, just crosses his arms. “If you wanted to train tonight, you could have asked.”  
  
“I’m not here for training.” As he speaks, Julian pulls his uniform tank top over his head and throws it on the floor. For just a second, desire shines in Adam’s eyes. He can’t deny that he wants. But not like that.  
  
Julian’s already popping open the button on his pants by the time Adam crosses the distance separating them. He covers Julian’s hands with one of his. “Don’t do this.”  
  
“Why not? Don’t you want it?” It’s a challenge, that much is as clear as day in Julian’s voice. Adam doesn’t answer, just looks at him until Julian lowers his gaze to the floor. Julian isn’t fighting, his hands have stopped moving. He’s waiting.  
  
“Why?” The question is out of Adam’s mouth before his brain can process it and remind him that it’s a bad idea. Julian looks up at him, eyes wide with surprise.  
  
Maybe that’s why Julian gives him an honest answer. “I don’t want to owe you anything after Initiation.”  
  
“You don’t owe me…” Adam begins to explain, but Julian interrupts him.  
  
“No one here ever does anything for free. You’re the one who taught me that.”  
  
Adam did. Julian was one of those rich kids who were thrown into the Center because it was seen as a good life experience, and who later had to stay so that his older brother, the heir, could go back home. A lost, rich kid who acted all tough but who needed someone to take care of him, protect him, show him the ropes. Adam didn’t ask for anything in return. He never would have. Julian’s respect, which was as near to friendship as they could get, was enough for him.  
  
At the point they’re at now, Adam’s aware Julian won’t believe him if he says that. Adam will have to take. That’s the only way to put them back on equal footing in Julian’s mind. And just what Adam was hoping to avoid.  
  
Adam lets go of Julian’s hands and take a step back. “Fight me.”  
  
“What?” Julian still isn’t moving. Adam takes off his own tank top. For a second he sees something on Julian’s face, but it’s gone before Adam can wonder.  
  
“Fight me,” Adam says again. “If you win, you don’t owe me anything. If you don’t…” He doesn’t finish his thought, but he doesn’t need to. It’s not fair. Adam knows that Julian doesn’t stand a chance against him. He never did. This way, however, Adam’s giving himself the illusion that Julian does. That if Julian loses, it’s because he wants Adam to fuck him. They both know it’s not the whole truth, but it makes things easier. It lets Adam believe that he’s not about to go really far over his own limits, and Julian, that he still has some control over the situation, even though he never did.  
  
They barely get into the fight before Adam knows he’s going to win. Julian is good, and was taught well, but he’s not a born Killer. He still plays by the book. He still hasn’t gotten it into his head that the moves he was taught need to be used in a different way each time. Julian never was one to think outside the box.  
  
Adam counters blow after blow, not even getting tired. He could bring Julian down now – it would be easy – but it’s not what he wants. He makes Julian back down step by step, until he can immobilize Julian against the wall. Adam puts one arm up against Julian’s throat, forcing Julian’s head back. The fight goes out of Julian after that. They both knew how it would end. Julian could still try and throw Adam off, but he doesn’t.  
  
“You win.”  
  
Adam nearly loses his grip on Julian when he hears that. This is not how Adam wanted it, but he doesn’t have a choice anymore. He hasn’t from the moment he took Julian under his wing when the boy entered the Center.  
  
“Looks like I did.” Adam’s voice is barely above a whisper as he gets nearer, his breath tickling Julian’s lips. At the last minute, Julian turns his head and Adam’s lips meet his cheek.  
  
“Not that. Anything but that.”  
  
Adam doesn’t answer. Instead he moves, biting and nibbling on Julian’s jaw, sucking a mark onto his neck. Adam could nearly believe Julian really doesn’t want it, if it wasn’t for the way his breath speeds up and his cock grows hard against Adam’s own. Adam hides his smile against Julian’s skin, licking away the sweat.  
  
Adam moves back just a bit, drops his arm and grabs Julian’s chin in his hand, forcing Julian to turn his head back. “We’re playing this my way, Julian.” Even the anger and betrayal in Julian’s eyes doesn’t make Adam back off. Kissing should be off the table. With anybody else but Adam, it would be. But the last thing he wants is to turn this into the impersonal trade Julian is trying to make out of it. It can’t be only that. Not with them.  
  
Adam fits his hand to the span of Julian’s throat as he presses the heel of his other hand on Julian’s cock. A breathy sigh is all the answer he gets, but it’s enough. Adam curls his fingers around Julian’s cock through his pants, enjoying the way Julian’s head falls back against the wall, how his eyes flutter closed.  
  
This time when Adam’s lips meet Julian’s, Julian doesn’t try to get away. Instead, Julian seems to retreat into himself, trying to just let it happen, until Adam bites down on Julian’s lip. That gets a reaction, and suddenly Julian’s kissing Adam the same way he fights, giving as good as he gets, not backing down an inch. It’s still a fight, even though they both know who’s going to win.  
  
When Adam pulls away, Julian tries to chase his mouth, and Adam allows himself a little smile before Julian’s eyes, darkened by desire, focus on him. Adam’s still smiling, just a little cockier than he was a second ago. He caresses Julian’s throat, brings his mouth to Julian’s ear as he asks, “You liked that?” Adam undoes Julian’s pants, slips his hand inside and wraps it around Julian’s cock.  
  
“Fucker.” The insult is amusing more than anything. Adam bites down on Julian’s earlobe, smiling again when that gets a small whimper.  
  
“You got that one right,” Adam says, his breath tickling Julian’s ear. He lets go of Julian’s cock, drops his mouth to Julian’s collarbone and bites down. Hard. One of Julian’s hands grabs onto Adam’s hair, pulling him closer. Adam licks Julian’s salty skin.  
  
He sees Julian shiver as Julian grabs onto his own cock. Julian doesn’t get himself closer to coming before Adam’s hand closes around Julian’s wrist, stopping him. “My rules.”  
  
One finger after another, Adam undoes the grip Julian had around his cock and pulls Julian’s hand away. Adam guides Julian’s hand high on the wall, where there are hooks, and makes Julian grab onto them. “Don’t let go.”  
  
Julian’s eyes are still closed. Adam wants to sees him, to watch the effect he has on Julian until Julian can’t hide anything, none of the desire or the need that is coursing through his veins. But it will come, Adam knows it; he only has to wait.  
  
It’s still far from what Adam was hoping for, but he’s getting there. He lowers himself, nipping and kissing alongside Julian’s collarbone, licking at Julian’s chest and then closing his teeth around a nipple, worrying it with his tongue. Adam has to adjust himself when he sees the way Julian bites at his own lips, trying to hold everything in.  
  
Adam kisses his way down Julian’s chest, scraping his teeth on Julian’s abs until Adam’s on his knees. Julian’s knuckles turn white on the hooks when Adam blows cool air on his cock, making Julian twitch. Adam pulls Julian’s pants and shoes off, and pushes the clothes to one side before licking a stripe up Julian’s cock, all the way from base to tip.  
  
“Fuck…” A breathy whisper, nothing more, but Adam still manages to catch it.  
  
“Oh, you like that, don’t you?” Adam lets the pride show in his voice. He’s slowly getting to the point where he doesn’t care about the hows and whys. By the time he’s done, Julian will want this as much as he does. And, yeah, maybe he’s getting off on the feeling of being the one in power, when so much of life here is being at someone else’s beck and call. Maybe.  
  
Adam licks around Julian’s cockhead, teases the slit with his tongue then sucks Julian’s cock into his mouth. He circles the base of Julian’s cock with one hand, pumping and squeezing with slow, lazy movements. Pressing his other hand against Julian’s hip, Adam holds Julian against the wall when he tries to thrust.  
  
Adam lets Julian’s cock slips from his mouth, gives it one last, open mouthed kiss and Julian can’t hold in the “Don’t stop, please…”  
  
Adam looks up. Julian’s eyes are open, hiding nothing, the desire and fear raw and written on his face. Naked, vulnerable, and if he’s fighting someone, it’s himself and his body’s natural answer. Adam pushes on Julian’s thighs until he spreads them, then Adam mouthes along the skin there, licking and sucking and marking.  
  
“I’m just getting started.” With that Adam bites down again, making Julian whimper and drowning Adam’s answer in the sound. Adam’s hand is still on Julian’s cock, moving slowly, just enough to tease and drive Julian right out of his mind. As Adam’s hand picks up speed, his mouth moves higher on Julian’s thigh, until he can lick at Julian’s balls.  
  
Julian’s voice goes higher, no words, just whimpers and pleas, until Adam takes Julian’s cock into his mouth again, releasing the pressure on Julian’s hips and letting Julian thrust a few times.  
  
Julian hasn’t released the hooks, but his hips are moving on instinct and Adam lets him, welcoming the feeling of Julian’s cock in his mouth, down his throat, the weight and taste of him. Adam’s aware it won’t happen again, not like this. He’s going to enjoy every single second.  
  
A strangled cry warns him and Adam grabs onto the base of Julian’s cock, pushing Julian out of his mouth and back against the wall. As Adam gets back on his feet, he keeps his hand tight around Julian’s cock, not caring about Julian’s frustration.  
  
“Why did you stop?” Julian sounds annoyed, nothing more, but Adam presses himself right against Julian before answering.  
  
“You’re going to come with me fucking you, or not at all.”  
  
Adam isn’t sure whether he just made a promise or a threat, but he doesn’t care, and he’s pretty sure Julian doesn’t either. Julian licks his lips, and just like that Adam goes back for another kiss, taking what he wants and Julian lets him, both too lost in desire to fight anymore.  
  
By the time they separate again, they’re both breathing hard. Adam grabs onto Julian’s wrists, pulling gently until Julian lets go of the hooks, and gives Julian a light push, pointing to the exercise mat at the other end of the room. “Over there.”  
  
Adam watches as Julian makes his way across the room, admiring the way his muscles move under his skin, enjoying the fact that for once, he doesn’t have to hide his appreciation. Julian lowers himself to his knees and Adam finally moves, taking off his shoes and pants on his way.  
  
Adam puts his hand on Julian’s shoulder blades, pushing him down onto his elbows. Then he stops moving and just admires the pretty picture Julian makes, his ass in the air, his back perfectly curved, his head down, waiting. Right before Adam moves, Julian turns his head and looks at Adam over his shoulder. “Do you have…”  
  
Julian seems to lose his courage in the middle of that sentence and bites his lip. Adam slides one of his hands down Julian’s back in a loving caress. “I’m not going to hurt you.”  
  
Julian drops his head as Adam’s lips and tongue follow the path of his fingers, tracing a pattern down Julian’s back, nipping here and there, sucking bruises into Julian’s skin until Julian’s shoulders relax and his breathing becomes erratic.  
  
Then Adam goes lower, kissing and licking over Julian’s ass, over his thighs, pushing until Julian parts his legs just a little bit more. Adam massages Julian’s thighs and ass, thumbs slipping into Julian’s crack, spreading him open to Adam’s gaze.  
  
Julian struggles at that, trying to get away. “No, don’t…”  
  
“Shhh.” Adam kisses Julian’s lower back then goes back up, his hands following the same path as he uses his weight to hold Julian against the mat. Adam kisses Julian’s neck then says, right next to his ear, “You’re going to love this. Trust me.”  
  
Adam knows he’s not playing fair, using the same words Julian always does, turning them against Julian. Julian always has, still does, use them too much, forgetting that in the Center they don’t mean a thing. For years Adam’s been trying to make Julian understand that he can’t let himself trust anyone here. Well. Maybe tonight will at least teach Julian that.  
  
“Let me show you.” Adam waits, until he sees Julian nod. Adam once again traces the same path down Julian’s back until he reaches his ass. Julian tenses, but doesn’t try to stop him when Adam spread his ass and starts licking, long, wet stripes from Julian’s balls to his asshole and back again.  
  
Adam loses himself in the feeling of Julian skin against his tongue as he licks around and inside Julian’s hole, slowly loosening the muscle until he can really go at it, little stabs of his tongue. Adam barely hears the sounds coming out of Julian’s mouth, and it just makes him even more determined to make this good. He licks and sucks all over Julian’s hole, then slips a fingers inside next to his tongue.  
  
Adam’s other hands stills Julian’s hips when Julian starts moving without meaning to, lost in sensations. Adam pulls back and just leaves his finger in Julian’s ass, there’s a drag and Adam knows it must burn but Julian doesn’t even seem to care. Julian is so tight around Adam’s fingers, and Adam shivers at the thought of being inside Julian, feeling all that heat surrounding him. The desire and need hits him all at once, crawling under his skin until he can’t think of anything else.  
  
Julian’s pushing himself back onto Adam’s fingers, and if the tight set of his shoulders shows that it hurts, because it can’t not hurt, it doesn’t stop the “please, fuck, just like this, please…” coming out of Julian’s mouth, over and over again. Adam has to let go of Julian’s hips and bring his hand to his own cock, holding tight onto the base to keep himself from coming just from the sight of Julian in front of him, fucking himself on Adam’s finger like he would do the same on Adam’s cock. Fuck. There’s no way Adam can wait more.  
  
Adam takes his finger out of Julian’s ass, quickly looks around for his pants, then realizes that he doesn’t have anything. This was so far from his original plans that he didn’t bring anything even resembling lube.  
  
Adam gets up and goes to look for Julian’s pants, and breathes a sigh of relief when he realize that yes, one of them did do some planning. When he turns around, Julian is looking at him, curious. “You didn’t have to.”  
  
Adam shrugs, like it doesn’t mean anything. “Told you I wouldn’t hurt you.” It’s not the whole truth, and at the same time it is, because the last thing Adam wants, on top of everything else that is wrong about tonight, is to hurt Julian. And he’s aware that even if he said all of that, Julian would never believe him.  
  
So all he does is walk back across the room and lower himself to his knees in front of Julian, capturing his mouth for another kiss. So gentle that even Adam could nearly believe it was lovemaking, even though it’s not. Even Julian’s very much aware of that, yet the affection that Adam has for Julian, that Julian clearly has for him, is there in the slow slide of lips and tongues against one another, as if nothing else existed for those few seconds.  
  
Right after the kiss ends, as Adam is about to move, he’s surprised by the feeling of a tongue on his cock. There’s a tiny, tiny smile on Julian’s lips, like he’s thinking that it’s his turn to make Adam go crazy. And it works. Arousal builds and spreads through Adam’s body as shivers work their way up and down his back. Adam buries his hand in Julian’s hair, not guiding, just holding as Julian takes Adam into his mouth.  
  
Adam closes his eyes as he is swallowed by tight, wet heat, forcing himself to hold still, holding on the last bits of his control. He knows he could thrust, if he wanted, just push himself down Julian’s throat and Julian would let him. It would be so easy. Still Adam stops himself before he’s tempted, wanting to give this to Julian, to let him have a little bit of power back even as it’s getting harder and harder to hold back.  
  
Julian is good at this, the little fucker, his lips closing around the head, his tongue working Adam’s cock at the same time, never stopping one second. Even worse, Julian seems to enjoy it, his gaze catching Adam’s every now and then, making it even harder for Adam to hold himself still, not to just give in to the need to thrust and spend himself in Julian’s mouth.  
  
As Adam’s control is about to slip through his fingers, he pulls himself out of Julian’s mouth. He kisses Julian again, tasting himself on Julian’s lips, and says, “I want you now.”  
  
Just like that, Julian drops his head, and Adam is back in charge. His hands follow the curve of Julian’s back. “So gorgeous…” Adam didn’t mean to say that out loud, but the color it brings to Julian’s cheek is worth it.  
  
Moments later, Adam’s wet fingers push into Julian’s ass, first one, then two, stretching, twisting, and opening him up. Adam has to fight not to just push his cock inside as he feels the tight heat surrounding his fingers. He wants to be inside Julian so bad that it takes all his willpower to stop himself.  
  
It doesn’t take long for Adam to find the right angle. Julian pushes back on Adam’s fingers, muttering through gritted teeth, “Don’t tease me.”  
  
Adam crooks his fingers and drops a kiss on Julian’s shoulder blade as Julian muffles his cries with the mat. “Not teasing you. Just making sure you really want it.” That, right there, is teasing, and Adam knows it, but he’s past the point of caring.  
  
Adam thrusts his fingers a few times, crooking them occasionally, until Julian says, “What are you waiting for?”  
  
Adam buries his other hand in Julian’s hair, pulling Julian’s head back. Just as Adam’s about to go for a kiss, he sees the hurt and betrayal and anger written plain as day on Julian’s face, right before Julian manages to hide his feelings again. This, tonight, is the Center breaking both of them in one fell swoop. Adam couldn’t stop, even if he wanted to, and he’s slowly realizing that he doesn’t want to. That the Center twisted him enough that he’s enjoying this, that he would enjoy this if Julian weren’t into it, even just a little. The thought scares him, but it’s not enough to stop him.  
  
“For you to ask nicely…” Silence is his only answer. Then, just as Adam’s wondering if he’ll have to push, the first “ _please_ ” falls from Julian’s lips. After that, the dam breaks, and nothing can stop the words. “Please. Please fuck me, I want your cock, fuck, please…”  
  
Adam crooks his fingers again, until Julian’s pleas become a string of broken words, sounds that don’t mean anything except to them. Adam pulls his fingers out, makes Julian wait while Adam slicks himself, and guides his cock in. Julian tenses as Adam moves his hips in slow, short thrusts until he bottoms out inside him. Adam’s fighting against himself not to just push in and start thrusting when he finally gets inside, when he feels how tight and hot and perfect Julian is. It’s too much, too soon, Julian’s not ready, but Adam knows that trying to make him wait more wouldn’t work.  
  
Adam lets his weight push Julian into the mat, bringing his lips to Julian’s shoulder, licking and sucking another mark while he waits for Julian to relax again. It’s getting harder to wait. Julian’s ass is so tight that Adam knows that if he isn’t the first, he’s really not far from it. Adam wants nothing more than to hold Julian down against the mat and take, but he forces himself to wait.  
  
Adam stays still until he feels Julian’s hips move, little thrusts that aren’t trying to push Adam away but to take him deeper. Adam reaches for Julian’s cock with one hand and starts jerking him off, going too slowly for it to feel really good.  
  
“Move.” Just a whisper, but the frustration is clear in Julian’s voice. Adam drops another kiss onto Julian’s shoulder, lets go of Julian’s cock then pushes himself away, his hands holding so tight onto Julian’s hips Adam knows there will be bruises later.  
  
The first few thrusts are still slow, still careful, until Julian barks, “Don’t you dare take it easy on me.”  
  
That’s all it takes. Anger flares through Adam, just as strong as the pleasure, and he lets it take him along for the road, using his hands to hold Julian down on the mat as he drives himself into Julian with all his strength.  
  
Broken sounds are coming out of Julian’s mouth. He’s not pushing back anymore, and barely manages to hold himself up on trembling arms. He’s just letting Adam’s powerful thrusts press him into the mat, holding him as good as the hand on his hip, the hand working Julian’s cock. Pleasure shoots up Adam’s spine as he thrusts into tight heat, Julian begging for more without even being able to form words.  
  
Adam’s hand on Julian’s cock speeds up as he thrusts even harder, his own orgasm so near on the horizon that he doesn’t care if he’s hurting Julian, he just wants to take Julian over the edge with him. One last bite onto Julian’s shoulder, a whispered “ _Come_ ” into Julian’s ear is all it takes. Julian’s ass tightens around Adam’s cock as Julian cries out, shaking.  
  
Adam’s orgasm still takes him by surprise, blindingly white hot as he pulses inside Julian, his teeth closing even harder on Julian’s shoulder until Julian’s cries become broken sobs of mixed pleasure and pain.  
  
Adam slowly pulls off, licking at the wound he just made, taking himself out of Julian’s ass as gently as he can. Julian’s shoulders shake. If Julian’s not crying, he’s not far from it. This is the moment when Adam should leave the room, should give Julian time to gather the broken pieces of himself and pull himself back together.  
  
Instead, Adam takes Julian into his arms. He doesn’t say a word but he doesn’t let Julian hide away from him either.  
  
Adam knows that he’s fucked everything up even more by staying than he would have if he’d just left. Right now, though, he doesn’t care.


End file.
